Fracking Companies Now Sell Water and Fire From the Same Source

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Dr. Nothing is preparing his faucet for cooking some sweet corn over an open fire.

Dr. Nothing is preparing his faucet for cooking some sweet corn over an open fire.

“People need water, and people need to heat their homes and cook their food” says Barnie Bushwhacker from the company Frack America USA. Now fracking companies have come up with an innovative way for people to get both these utilities right from the convenience of their kitchen or bathroom faucet. Through high pressured horizontal fracturing, natural gas companies are drilling in neighborhoods around the country to provide a unique service, allowing the methane gas trapped deep in the earth to seep into the aquifers where they can be utilized by residents. Residents are already showing excitement…”now i can light my tap water on fire!” said Jacob Haughney of North Dakota. Some people have already noticed that their water even tastes better, having a preferred “barbeque flavor”. The EPA is working side by side with fracking lobbyists to work out some minor paperwork that would change the wording of current federal regulations which currently classify the frack fluids as “hazardous contaminants” to the more industry friendly term of “essential nutrients”. This could further the fracking boom allowing companies to sell the chemical byproducts to local residents as an added ingredient in the municipal water supply. “People want to do more with their water” says industry spokesmen Kimberly Jenkins “this is the 21st century…people expect more now a days.” Now water doesn’t just evaporate when heated, but will coagulate these special frack fluids, and when you light it with a torch it plasticizes. “Now people can even get plastic right from their tap water, how awesome is that!” said Rich Asheole who stands to make a fortune from the fracking boom.



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